I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
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