i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm just crazy horny about you
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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