This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
