got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
