capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
