Apparently you make a good broom.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize