I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
