I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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