Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
