So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
