I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
