I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
