I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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