So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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