I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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