just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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