She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
