While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
