I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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