Tell her she can't have a vagina
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
