i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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