I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
