I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize