haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
