well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
