And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
