i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
This is classic penis vs brain.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
