I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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