My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
