I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
