I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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