he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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