you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
