All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
