I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
