3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
