happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Drake has all the answers
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
