I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
