She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
