my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
