Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
