I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
id be glad to
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
