I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
