I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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