the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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