She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
