I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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