So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
