I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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