Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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