I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
