I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
3pm strippers are depressing
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
