Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
