Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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