Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
