Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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