his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
