We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
