I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
