FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
