Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
