ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
