Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
