I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
