She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize