I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
