when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
